Saturday, 6 June 2015

My Mask Has A Mask
I was looking at homesteading blogs enjoying the many recipies and tips I was learning... and then a wave of doubt crashed over me. These people are living my dreams, making up their own traditions and recipes, and I'm just sitting here thinking "I wanna do that, and that, and that." I feel like one of those people who are constantly jumping from one get righ quick scheme to another touting their barely grasped understanding as truth. To put it simply, I feel like a fake in my own life.

Sure my boss encourages me and thanks me for the work I do, but is it because I've inundated her with social niceties and talk of shared hobbies?  I don't slack off as much as some, but I'm certainly not on task 100% of the time and my daydreaming has led to blunders that luckily have been minor.

Friends and family say they like the dandelion jelly I made even though I know it's too firm and I think they only like it because they haven't had the propper version.

I fill this blog with info I've gathered from others, castle in the sky dreams, recipes I've got from others & am trying for the first time, as well as personal relationship stuff. Am I teaching or leaching? Am I adding anything of value or just spinning my wheels? Am I sharing or borrowing? Am I rejoicing or bragging?

All this drama in my head so I googled "I feel like a fraud in my own life." and got this.

Reading it over I found familiar ideas that were starting to calm me because it's just a normal thing a lot of people feel. That's what this post was going to be about. Just, 'silly me, I have a normal level of crazy'... but one of the "behaviours of high-achieving women with imposter syndrome" hit hard:
"Gifted women often work hard in order to prevent people from discovering that she is an "impostor". This hard work often leads to more praise and success, which perpetuates the impostor feelings and fears of being "found out". The “impostor” women may feel they need to work two or three times as hard, so over-prepare, tinker and obsess over details, says Young. This can lead to burn-out and sleep deprivation."

Okay so I do find myself doing the same thing but I'm flat out not gifted or high achieving. I am a working Joe with no fancy papers that would get me a fancy job. I take calls from customers all day. I have an average brain and I'm certainly not earning the big bucks. I'm an imposter among the imposters.

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